During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
