Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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