Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
