meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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