you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
