you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
