theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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