so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
