If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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