No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
