then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
