I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
