soooo we both peed the bed last night...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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