I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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