Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
