just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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