the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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