Your dad touched me again.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
