if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
