Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
