How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize