Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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