Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
