my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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