Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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