I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
