highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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