i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
