did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
