dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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