i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
