Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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