I wish I could teleport
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
