she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
