Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
