Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
