Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
