she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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