i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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