If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
