she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize