No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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