Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
