Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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