He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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