there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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