I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
