Kareoke will never be a sober sport
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
