i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
