Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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