Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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