how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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