so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
