It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
