Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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