Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
