I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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