No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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